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24,770 Views • Jan 30, 2024 • Click to toggle off description
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YouTube Comments - 81 Comments
Top Comments of this video!! :3
lol my mom threw away my favorite cards when I was 5 and 30 years later I still remember and have a shopping addiction. 😂 good luc
31 |
My dad did this the same way you're doing and it caused me to struggle with hoarding for years. Dont do this
26 |
Yeah … so you have high expectations and boundaries for your kids while not yelling at them? You’re gentle parenting … authoritative parenting is the term. I hate when people confuse gentle parenting with permissive parenting.
Also, throwing stuff away seems like a dumb consequence. I wouldn’t throw away my husband’s stuff if it was left out. So that cause and effect isn’t preparing your children for adulthood
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I'm an adult and I still have issues with my things being touched removed by other people because my mother did this to me. I have worked on it for a long time once I realized where my triggers were coming from. However if I saw any of my friends or family doing this to their children I would explain to them expect your child to stop talking to you and to have little to no respect for your words or actions as an adult.
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My parents did this ONCE. Thats all it took for me to get the point that the floor was not an appropriate place to put my stuff. I also started taking them more seriously when they spoke. They didn't hit me, but after thatvi was very aware whatever they said the consequences was was going to be followed through on.
They were very calm people with reasonable expectations and boundaries. This on its own isn't traumatic. This is following through on an already established boundary that isnt being respected. This coupled with other issues is what causes trauma.
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My parents always did this too.. and I didn’t turn into a hoarder or have trust issues😅. I think it’s very dependent on how it’s done, and it sounds like you’re reasonable about it. We all have to learn to take care of our things because even as adults, if we don’t they end up damaged or if we leave things at work, people touch them😂. I understand having to do it to keep organize
3 |
All this does is give your child attachment issues to their personal belongings. They're going to more likely become hoarders as adults and hyperprotective of their items.
9 |
But as an adult nothing that gets left out or undone is thrown or taken away.
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Yeah no, i now stockpile and hide things because my mom did this exact thing. i have extreme anxiety about people messing with my stuff. please don't do this to them.
4 |
personally i disagree with this method as ive never not seen it cause either severe possesiveness or a complete lack of material care, both in my own siblings and other families children.
as someone who grew up this way I've become extremely anxious about my things and this has carried on into adulthood, and my younger siblings have gone on the complete opposite spectrum where they dont care about what they have, they'll break stuff because "what does it matter if its going away".
as a joking comment i dont mind this "ohh im vacuuming come pick up your stuff or im tossing it" but as an actual threat? i don't feel like thats a particularly good way to teach kids to pick up after themselves
im not dogging on you as a parent cause if it works for you and isn't causing your children distress then it is what it is, im just sharing my experience as someone raised on this method and seen my siblings raised on it too so any parents thinking of this method can see the perspective of the child and how it may affect them in the long run
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I used to do that but our 4 year old stopped responding to it. She would just put the couple items away she cares about most and then start to throw things away herself (she particularly was quick to throw her sister's favorites away and educational toys - I had to fish a lot of toys and books out of the trash this way). I taught both kids from an early age to say bye bye to things when it was time to do so - I guess that was a bit too successful with her, she has very little that she is attached to 😂
Instead, I started roughly 4 months ago to tell our kids no screen time until they cleaned up. I can tell you that is VERY effective with my kids. They usually get roughly 90 minutes every day in the afternoon (it started that way so the now 2 year old could nap in peace back when she was still a baby but now that she stopped napping, we continued the habit and she joins big sister and now the new baby has some quiet from all the screeching and gets a break from all the love that is bestowed upon her AKA constant hugs and kisses 😂 ). Roughly 30 minutes before screen time would start, I remind them to clean up first. Sometimes they actually don't clean up and that's ok. I definitely had to learn that my emotional state didn't depend on it and to remain calm about the mess when that happens 😊 But we haven't had two days in a row yet where they don't clean up. Usually, when they had a day without screen time, they are particularly motivated to clean every tiny thing the next day 😂
Btw, when I started doing that, I learned that our 4 year old knows EXACTLY where everything goes. Before, I always had to help but not since I threatened their precious screen time. The 2 year old always comes to ask "where does it go" whenever she is unsure, which she didn't do before. It's crazy how important it is for them to do a good job cleaning up so their TV time isn't threaten
10 |
Super weird I know, but you can still be causing harm while delivering it monotone. It's possible they'll just think you don't give a crap about them.
As it turns out, teenagers and older kids still need reminders/help with follow through because their brain is still developing. This isn't teaching them anything. No one is going to throw their stuff away when things get too messy in their home. 🙃
It's controversial because we have so much evidence that tells us how damaging this approach is
6 |
Those 'compliments' in how tody things are is incredibly passive aggressive, and kids will see it as an attack. Childrens stuff shouldnt be thrown away, but earned back if they break boundaries. This isnt gentle parenting but respectful parenting. If you wouldnt like it happening to you, as an adult, dont do it to a chid
1 |
Also saying something threatening/mean in a nonchalant manner doesn’t make the threat any less of a threat. There are plenty of people that will threaten them. Some even with a smile.
✨Your tone doesn’t change the impact on the threat you made.
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I do something similar but the ítems “go into the basement”. We have an unfinished basement where we keep the toys that are rotated out. This allows me to follow through where as there are certain toys that I would be bluffing if I said I’d throw them out. The basement has a childproof cover on the door handle and our son isn’t allowed down there so it can still be a heavy blow. We’ve used this for not picking up toys but also for being disrespectful towards your toys. Throwing a chair or a toy in anger. Repeatedly stepping on toys. Things like that. Same delivery “You stepped on your toy. You need to be respectful towards your things otherwise they’ll have to go away into the basement for a while. Why does mommy want you to not step on your toys? (Because they may break). That’s right. Actions have consequences and if you’re not respecting your toy it will _____ (go in the basement). That’s right. What can we do to make sure that we won’t step on toys again? (problem solve a place to put them)”
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So, to all those who have developed “a tick” from having things thrown away (given that your parents were as loving as this mom is): there is some responsibility you should take as the child who decided not to listen and be disobedient, disinterested, disengaged, (pick a “dis”). I mean, boundaries are necessary at any age. The therapist who can help you through your childhood “trauma” would agree.
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I have literally bagged up the toys and hid them in the closet for two weeks. Kids didn’t even notice what was missing. That’s how little they actually play with their toys. Yet we still buy them 😅
1 |
Horrible horrible horrible 😢 poor kid
11 |
I put a 15 minute timer and well all clean for those 15. Any toys that were not picked up go into the trash. After the first 2 times, my kids learned that instead of pretending like we're cleaning while mom does the rest of the cleaning during those 15; meant i need ti actually clean up my toys because they'll be going straight into the trash.
Side note: toys never went into the trash as soon as the timer went off. I always gave them an extra 5 minutes of "i didnt hear the timer go off" as a "toys that are on the floor need to be picked up
1 |
@confidentlymom
7 months ago
🚨 Disclaimers‼️ + watch your child for anxiety around possessions. If your child is going through a normal period of feeling anxious about people touching their stuff, it's not the time to try it. If you feel uneasy about doing it, not the time either! + you should never need to do this more than 3 times - in their life; if you feel like you are then there is ~100% a larger communication and trust issue in the relationship that needs to be addressed. + This is not something that should ever be used often. Even after doing it the one time, there should be a "repair/reconnect" discussion when your child is no longer in a heightened emotional state to process what happened, including taking responsibility for your role and choice! This really goes for any emotionally charged situation with kids. + I am a firm believer we should never be in a continuous "power struggle" with our kids (occasionally, sure, that's parenthood), and if something is becoming one, then there is broken communication and that needs to be the focus, not "consequences" + take responsibility for your part and teach the next logical consequence! Yes it was YOUR choice to put the kids item in the trash AND if people don’t care for things they will end up lost, broken, or in the trash, needing to be replaced eventually. Both are true. Don’t try to blame your child for you throwing their stuff away 🙏 EDIT: I never said I throw their stuff away. I said I TELL them, I'm going to. I’ve never actually thrown away my kids stuff forever! I used this a total of 1 time in 5 years. I was going to do a part 2 sharing the 2 times this happened (one by me and one by someone else), but don’t know if I will now given the responses… 😅 Without any backstory of what led us to this moment: I made sure the trash was clean before I tossed the item. When she cried I comforted her, and when she calmed down we talked and I reminded her if she changed her mind and wanted to care for her item now she could still go get it from the trash and talked about in other situations if we don’t care for our stuff we may not get that chance to save it. Did she get mad at me and say “It was YOUR choice to throw it away!” YES! And I owned that and agreed with her - no one is trying to gaslight a child here - “You’re right, it was my choice. I know it was probably scary for you. I was tired of asking you and didn’t know how to get you to listen. What can I do differently next time to get you to listen so this doesn’t happen again?” THAT IS KEY and part of the repair! Acknowledging them, building empathy on both ends, coming up with a plan to move forward. That's life. The other time her stuff got thrown away it was an accident, not done by me, and we still saved it. And became a real life practice of the warnings I’d been sharing - and she's never had this issue since - and YES people do throw away other people's stuff all the time - on purpose or accident - so this is a natural consequence in life while also being a choice. Because consequences are the result choices after all. So nothing has ever actually been trashed but we’ve always stuck to our word at the same time so this didn't end up a passive parenting stance; this is how gentle parenting is actually done 💗 Sorry to everyone who had tough childhoods where this was done regularly and without repair/connection/responsibility taken on the parents end for their choice afterwards. That is not what’s being suggested here. Remember this is a 60 second snapshot - not the full picture - especially if you listen with open ears, you should have questions for more details before jumping to attacks or judgm
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