@katzenbekloppt_mf

4 months ago

Oh my god😢. On 19th of april my beloved tomcat died. So tomorrow it will be two weeks. I never had a longer relationship to someone else (his sister who unfortunatly is not my favourite is still alive and living with me, but he was my soul-compagnion). He would have got 16 in summer. It was an emergency, he was screaming from one second to the other and I had to bring him to a vet-clinic where they told me it is a very quick growing cancer. So I took him home under pain-meds knowing I had to order a at-home-vet to kill him the next day. The night was horrible and the next day of cause too. I had him in my arms until he died and then for hours until he was brought to the place where he was burned. Today will be the first day I shower and at the moment the bedsheets are in the washing machine. I feel guilty like to clean the rest of him away on me and the bed he spent his last hours with me. I was not crying for the last days but now I am. I KNOW he is dead and I lost him, but I cannot imagine never see him.again, never hear his meow, feel his head bumping in me. I miss him so much. But I can either feel sooo bad I want to die or feel nothing. The first days I didn't speak, eat, whatever, just cried. Then I ordered wine (after more then a year not drinking any alcohol) because I have no emergency meds at home and beeing alone had nobody to get me some. Of cause that's not the perfect solution but I must say it helped and I needed a break and some sleep. Next wednesday his ashes will be delivered. Never did that before with any pet but I want to take him with me to my dads grave when its my time to die. I know he is not here anymore, holding him in my arms the hours after he died helped me understand as his body changed. But it was very hard to give him away, only KNOWING what will happen to his body let me do it. He smelled not like him any more, but his paws looked so sweet and his tail was still movable and the fur on it so soft... I really thought of making a plushie out of him to be able to cuddle with him forever. Just knowing what people would say and that they would find it very disturbing helped me to stop. For me he is a person and still grieving for my daddy who died now two years ago I can say it is the same or even harder as they had been my closest persons ever I loved most but I lived the last almost 16 years with my tomcat. I wish I could feel somehow "moderate", but it is either "I want to die, please god let me die I cannot breathe, it hurts so much, it's overwhelming" or a just intellectual memory without emotions. I wonder how NTs are doing it. Sorry for your loss, Ella, but I am glad You made this video talking about it as I feel so separated from the world these days

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